All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
mom had nothing to worry about
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
emergency phone
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
All set.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.