All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Worth the read.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”