All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
two people or more is called a problem
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth