@kelkulus: All those years studying karate saved my life one night, when a man with a gun jumped out of nowhere and demanded I count to 10 in Japanese.
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@kylekinane: Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I'm going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
@ObscureGent: [Last day in prison] *Walks up to the biggest guy* Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
@PhriendlyCody: wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?! [later] ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should've called the fire department
@djdarrellripley: Me: We need some ham. Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday. Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
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