is this a warning or an offer?
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.