@GianDoh: All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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@LlamaInaTux: Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone's family photos backed up in the cloud.
@ChrisScarlette: May I pay you handsomely, good sir? -Why yes you may. *opens wallet* *pulls out Ryan Gosling*
@kumailn: "Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers." "What about my atm card which holds all my money?" "Any 4 numbers in a row."
@murrman5: [during ultrasound] wife: I really thought you were the father me: how could you do this to me? wife's grey and black lover: I told y'all