All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Attacked by a mop.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Worst Native American name ever.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.