All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
You Might Also Like
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.