@Darlainky: All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
@WheelTod: Major milestone today -- found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
@eric10F: Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.
@mofrorock: One man's sprinkler is another man's bidet
@Marlebean: [Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?
-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
@XplodingUnicorn: Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.