@Darlainky: All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
@Sean_Burgundy_: Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor?
- me as a marriage counselor
@weenbeans: I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
@odannyboy: DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
@droidbears: [caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
@StansaidAirport: I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.