All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
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You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.