All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
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A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?