All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.