All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
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Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders