@bacon_gillepic: All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
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@wickedimproper: People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
@ilovepie84: My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.
@LoveMeNowDad: A microwave with three only buttons. 1. Hot Pocket 2. Pizza Rolls 3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
@ScottFilmCritic: If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.