All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.