All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
these two trucks have the same bed length
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue