Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
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I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.