All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
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As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
The Struggle
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.