All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones