“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
You Might Also Like
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.