“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
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This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Oh deer
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it