@IncrediblyRich: All you people who chose "The Real" or "Official" before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.
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@EndhooS: [describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
@TheAlexP: [At bar] *all sweaty after doing the worm* Me: *out of breath* see anything you like? Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
@Sassafrantz: Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.
@weinerdog4life: All I'm saying is if I'm not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.