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If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!