Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”