Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?