[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
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My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.