[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Can’t. Being lazy.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you