[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
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[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Just grow your own
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.