Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
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Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.