Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
😲 WTF? 😆
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”