@trevso_electric: Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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@AmishPornStar1: If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
@jennalynn518: Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it's Barney.
@WilliamAder: Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective. Wife: Those are earmuffs.
@trevso_electric: I got this "breathe" tattoo on my wrist because I don't have a central nervous system and it's a helpful reminder.