Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
You Might Also Like
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.