Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
o shit
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’