@FSUSteve: Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who's not Employee of the Month.
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@ElKnuckelhombre: Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy. Me: Did it work?
@LackOfShame: Nothing's sadder than the look on my dog's face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
@causticbob: I've written a book called, 'How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money'. It's available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.