@slimmy_shady: Almost arrived at work when my kid asked "Where're we going?" Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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@LisaMcAlister1: There's an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you'd be perfect for the job.
@BlackCatBettie: What's faster than the speed of light? A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
@StansaidAirport: The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don't like the French.