@slimmy_shady: Almost arrived at work when my kid asked "Where're we going?" Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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@GoldenSpirals: A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it's stuck in my wiper. I guess I don't have to stop to get supper tonight.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny's ears then broke off its head. I'm sleeping with the lights on.
@mjkspeaks: [at airport] TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search. ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning