Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???