Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
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My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Every house has this drawer
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes