[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
my nickname in college
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
wish me luck lads
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Encore…
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I’m tired tomorrow.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.