Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
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Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes