Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
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Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.