Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas