Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.