Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
You Might Also Like
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
This checks out
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰