HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
You Might Also Like
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Watermelon Boss!
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Whoa 😂
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!