I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
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*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.