them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
You Might Also Like
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…