Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
lol
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.