“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
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my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case youâre wondering why iâm so diabolical
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and letâs just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you donât know that
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: đ
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
If youâre wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled âWHY DO YOU SPEAKâ at my father so Iâm guessing the answer is no.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still canât believe that he did it. I wasnât even sick.
When youâre running late, donât tell your kids youâre running late cause they wonât move any faster and theyâll say fun things like, âIâm fine being lateâ.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
âWhen god closes a door, he opens a windowâ
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
đđŚ
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Accidentally sent a guy a đ instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.