Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
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Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.