Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
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I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…