Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
You Might Also Like
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Thanks to a fan for this one!
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.