Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
You Might Also Like
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.