Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
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Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
the rocks need my help
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.