Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Sheep
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Quadruple digit IQ
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.